Jack And The Magic Bean
by KartheyM
Summary: "One of our Ambassadors is in trouble offworld and needs help. His last missive seemed to indicate the matter held some importance to Earth's history, which is why we contacted you." "This ambassador," Carter interposed, "Does he have a name?" Chacellor Travell hesitated. "He calls himself The Doctor," she admitted. "Doctor who?" Jack snorted. Travell smiled. "Who, indeed?"
1. Chapter 1: The Reluctant Rescuers

Colonel O'Neill fell in step behind General Hammond as they walked down to the Gate Room.

"Sir, tell me again why we're accepting missions from other worlds?"

Hammond shook his head, "Just last week, you asked me for special permission to go hunt for animals on—"

"Yeah, I know," O'Neill waved his hand uncomfortably, "but honestly, General," he stopped in the hall. "You know how I feel about the Tollans."

Hammond could hardly keep the smirk off his face. "That's right, General," he said as the bay door of the Gate Room opened, "I do."

The siren blared.

"Offworld activation, sir!" Sergeant Harriman announced over the loudspeaker. "Receiving the Tollan IDC."

Hammond nodded. "Open the iris."

The rest of SG-1 arrived as the titanium disc opened, revealing the active event horizon. O'Neill fought to keep a straight face as High Chancellor Travell emerged.

Hammond greeted her cordially. "It is good to see you," he said. "I trust your people are well?"

The severe, superior woman nodded. "I thank you for accepting my request. We are well—it is only one of our allies who has landed himself in somewhat of an adverse situation."

Hammond's smile dimmed. "I was under the impression that the urgent matter was directly related to Tollan-Earth relations."

Travell cast a furtive glance at the personnel watching from the command booth.

"General Hammond," she spoke urgently, "I would greatly appreciate it if we could take this conversation to a more secure location."

The general only studied her for a moment before he nodded, "We can do that, as long as you can guarantee some answers."

Travell descended the ramp and looked at the four humans gathered around her. "Of course, General; once we have excluded anyone not directly necessary to the success of this mission, I will give you all the answers you seek."

General Hammond nodded, "Allow me to escort you to the briefing room. SG-1 will join us, as per your earlier request."

Carter nudged Jack as the two of them followed the general and the Chancellor down the hall.

"Did you know about this ahead of time?" she murmured.

Jack shook his head, "Carter, up till about ten minutes ago, I was looking forward to having a break, what with Teal'c offworld and all."

"You know," Daniel joined the pair, "part of me wishes he were here with us. There's no telling what Chancellor Travell has in mind."

"Yeah," Carter agreed, "or why she picked us."

Jack stopped short and shot her a wounded expression. "I thought we were something special!" he complained.

Daniel shook his head; as if!

Once they were all settled around tge table in the briefing room, Hammond began, "You mentioned one of your ambassadors is in trouble."

Travell nodded, "This mission was originally sanctioned only as an expository visit. He has fallen off the grid many times, and each time, we had to rescue him or wait for him to rescue himself," She frowned at the mention of the irrepressible person.

Jack raised an eyebrow, "And this time?"

"He has resurfaced on a planet called Arnak, in the Orion System," Travell explained.

Hammond frowned with concern. "Arnak?"

O'Neill leaned in. "_Arnak_?" he echoed, looking in shocked accusation at the woman.

Travell kept a muted expression, "You have heard of it, then?"

Daniel looked around in confusion, "I'm sorry...what are we talking about, here? What is Arnak? Have we been there before?"

Hammond shook his head. "No, you haven't; Colonel O'neill supervised a preliminary survey when we were exploring planets in that area. Arnak seemed relatively secluded from the other planets, and we wondered why."

Carter looked from O'Neill to the general. "What happened?" she asked.

Jack shifted uncomfortably. "We sent a MALP through the gate, and..." He let his voice trail off, and seemed reluctant to finish.

"And what?" Daniel pressed.

Jack rubbed the back of his neck. "Somebody... tripped over it," he answered.

Sam couldn't believe what she was hearing. "_That's_ what happened?" she asked incredulously. "It looked like it had been through a garbage compactor!"

Daniel's face showed more than a little fear. "_Tripped over_?" he repeated tremulously.

Jack turned back to Travell. "Chancellor, what exactly was your man doing on Arnak?" he demanded.

Travell hesitated. "Officially speaking, he is not our man," she acknowledged. "The current administration saw fit to disavow him some time ago."

Now it was General Hammond's turn to get irritated at the judicious woman. "You told me he was one of your ambassadors on a diplomatic mission gone south," he reminded her.

Travell nodded. "He has often borne the post of High Ambassador in his journeys to other worlds, because of his support for the Tollan ideals—and in return for the continued use of our technology in even his...unsanctioned... missions, such as this one. His last missive seemed to indicate the matter held some importance to Earth's history, which is why we contacted you."

"This ambassador," Carter interposed, "Does he have a name?"

Chancellor Travell hesitated. "He calls himself The Doctor," she admitted.

"Doctor _who_?" Jack snorted.

Travell smiled. "Who, indeed?"

Daniel made an impatient movement. "Okay, cryptic comments aside, let's get back to the world in question: who or what lives on Arnak?"

Travell turned to him. "I should think it would be obvious: the inhabitants of Arnak are a race of giants."

Daniel's mouth dropped open. "_Giants_?" he gasped.

Jack smirked at him. "Beanstalks and all, Daniel." He turned back to the Chancellor as Daniel and Carter both attempted to wrap their heads around what they had just heard. "You're saying this Doctor of yours was captured by giants?" he clarified.

Travell confirmed this. "He and two others, Earth-people like yourselves."

This put the mission into a new light; SG-1 looked at each other; what sort of people had contact with other worlds that the Stargate Command didn't know about, and how could they get to those worlds without a Stargate?

Hammond leaned forward and nailed Travell with his steely gaze. "What exactly would this mission look like?" He demanded with a frown.

Travell seemed unfazed. "The Doctor has been captured by the Arnakim; we don't know why, since he acclaimed them as a friendly race upon the initial contact. The Council would like to know if the Doctor has done anything to offend the Arnakim, what the true purpose of his mission would be, and we would ask that you rescue the Doctor and his companions if at all possible."

Hammond nodded and turned immediately to Jack. "Colonel, I'd like you to get a team togeth—"

"No!" Travell cried abruptly. On a questioning look from Hammond, she insisted, "Only these three must go. Please do not involve any more men. Equip them as fully as you deem necessary, but you must not risk any more than this single team."

Daniel nudged Jack and muttered, "Now I really wish Teal'c were here."

Travell slid a packet containing a small object across the table toward Daniel. "You will find a brief history of the Arnakim on this computer chip," she explained. "Use the information to develop a plan and perhaps hypothesize the Doctor's capture before you leave. And please," she met his gaze. More concern than he ever thought possible filled her face. "Do it quickly."

Hammond sighed, "All right, SG-1, I am authorizing a mission to Arnak. You have 24 hours to prepare and learn all you can before reporting to the Gateroom. Are we clear?" He looked from one to the next.

"Yes, sir," they responded together.

Hammond stood. "Dismissed!"

The general escorted the Chancellor back to the gate, while Jack, Carter and Daniel dispersed to do their best to get ready to face a world of giants.


	2. Chapter 2: Mission Launched

The next day, the group gathered nervously before the Stargate.

_"Beginning sequence!" **Thunk!** "Chevron one encoded!"_

It didn't take long for Daniel to recognize the origins of the Anakim language.

"It appears to be an extinct version of the language used by the Philistines," he mused. "Wait a minute..." He dove for the bookshelf and dug out a copy of translated Biblical text. "Of course!"

"What?" Sam asked, looking up from her study of the description of Arnak.

"The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." He looked up, "The Arnakim are the descendants of the giant Anak mentioned in the Bible!"

Sam shook her head, "That doesn't make me feel any better about going, especially if it's a land that-what did you say? 'Eateth the inhabitants.'" She grimaced.

"True," Daniel sat down and scanned through the information on the computer, "but at least it gives us a glimpse of what we might expect to find there."

_"Chevron three encoded!"_

Sam pored over the broad, rambling notes the enigmatic Doctor had thought to include. Try as she might, she could make neither head nor tails of them. He mentioned some sort of device called a "TARDIS", and the importance of a Magic Bean, something to do with widespread enslavement of Earth—but any sort of forecasting was almost completely out of the question.

She listened to the recordings Travell had given them. This Doctor was a man with a thick British accent who talked very, very fast about everything all at once. One thing he did mention that caught her attention: "...They seem to like us all together, and they keep asking if we're a team. Jolly well think we might be, the Ponds and I—best traveling team to be had! So I said yes, and didn't that get them excited. A few of them asked if we were The Ones, called us Tories or some nonsense, mentioned something about a gate...probably referring to Rory's accident in the courtyard—which of course you needn't worry about! All better! Poor chap, he couldn't stop himself. I'm going to have to 'fess up to them eventually, though. Perhaps tomorrow I shall confirm."

She glanced at Jack, who was listening over her shoulder.

"Tau'ri?" she asked fearfully.

He raised his eyebrows, "Something about a gate?" he quoted.

_"Chevron Five encoded!"_

Jack, meanwhile, wrestled with the thought of having to prepare to face giants. Conventional ballistics wouldn't accomplish much. They would have to pack explosives and the like, to ensure maximum damage with the least amount of punches. He gathered their stealth equipment as well, since perhaps the best plan was to remain unnoticed for as long as possible.

_"Chevron Seven...Locked!"_

The team collectively gulped as the event horizon exploded.

Jack moved to stand in front of the group. As usual, he had that expression he wore when he was about to say something to inspire his comrades and friends.

"Well...Here we go up our very own beanstalk to steal a golden goose Doctor from the giants' castle!"  
As usual, he chose the moment to say something sarcastic.

"Jack..." Daniel groaned.  
The trio embarked up the ramp and through the gate.

SG-1 emerged from the Stargate amid the thick depths of bramble. They pushed through the branches to reach a field of tall grass amid taller trees.

Jack paused and looked around.

"Yep," he sighed, "this is about what it looked like on the feed. Just grass and trees—and feet," he shuddered.

"Let's hope we don't run into any this time around," Daniel cautioned as they emerged from the thick grass onto a cleared dirt path.

Jack glanced at Carter, bringing up the rear with all their equipment.

"Watch FRED," he whispered to her.

Carter nodded and kept her periphery clear, so that she could notice large objects approaching from above as well as keep track of her own feet.

"Shh!" Daniel hissed, and froze in his tracks. Once the three of them stopped moving, they could hear the steady crunch-crunch of footfalls.

"Get off the road!" Jack ordered hoarsely, practically shoving Daniel and Carter into the foliage and pulling down branches to cover the cart with their gear and arsenal. They crouched behind it just as the Arnakim approached.

"I don't see anything, Sheba."

"But Jorem, I know I heard something, like an explosion of some sort!"

"Explosion? In a field? I'd see the Golden Ones descend among us from the Heavens before I could believe that! You don't know what you heard, woman."

"But, dearest, I know—"

Daniel looked on in awe as two of the largest humans he had ever laid eyes on came into view. They were stocky folk, relatively speaking—but he could tell that the tallest among the three average-size humans (which would be Colonel O'Neill) would barely reach the man's belt. These people were very tall—very much like giants.

The couple moved on, with Sheba chatting merrily while her husband trudged and ignored her.

Once they passed, all three operatives let out a sigh of relief.

"Now I think I know what a Hobbit must feel like," Jack grunted as he tried to get FRED moving again.

They continued with renewed stealth, but did not encounter any more Arnakim on the path through the woods.  
Down a ways from the woods, at the other end of the path, Jack saw a bustling citadel. He knew it would be far too difficult to remain unseen if they stayed on the path.

"Carter," he asked, "where are we in finding our illustrious target?"

Carter pulled out a small round device that looked especially Tollan.

"Chancellor Travell gave me this locator device with their identities keyed in. If we're close and getting closer, it can detect their location."

The device hummed to life and began beeping softly.

"Okay, we're within range..." She took a step forward and blinked. Her expression was one of awe as she glanced at her two friends.

"Ohmigosh," she gasped, "I know exactly where they are."

"How can you know where they are if we don't even know where we are?" Jack pointed out.

Sam stared at the device in her palm. "It must be some kind of intuition-affecting technology," she mused. "I can picture the kind of room they are in, but not the building, and I have no idea how to get there."

Jack humphed. "Well, we can't very well waltz in there unconcealed. How else can we get into a walled city?"  
Daniel, gazing around at any possibilities, turned to see the large, hulking form of an enormous horse sauntering toward them. An Arnak hunched behind it, perched upon a heavily-loaded cart.

He pointed, "What about that?"

Lucky for them the beast moved slow enough to run behind the cart and leap on. FRED was a bit more difficult, as the last person had to release the cable-winch before leaping on, and then it was a matter of making sure none of their equipment toppled off and praying that the cable would not snap before they could all get settled and crawl under a tarp spread over the objects in the back of the cart.

"We're getting closer," Sam confirmed.

They rode for several minutes in relative comfort and without fear of detection. The cart swung around a turn, and Sam jerked.

"We should get off right now, sir," she told Jack.

"Why?" Daniel asked, coming out of his musings slowly.

Sam looked from one to the other. "We're getting further away now. I think we can make it to wherever it is we need to go, but this is where we get off."

Jack nodded. "Daniel, help me get FRED off. We'll make for the nearest wall and hope we don't get noticed."

The alleys behind them were empty, so Daniel and Jack unloaded, and Sam jumped carefully from the platform.

"Everybody here?" Jack glanced up from assessing FRED and confirming that it was still intact. "Where to now, Carter?"

Sam paused to gauge the strength of the impression she felt. "We need to go..." she pointed to their right, "That way."

Jack surveyed the building in that direction. High turrets, long walls, and small windows, with plenty of stairs visible.  
"A fortress, huh?" He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, doesn't that just figure. Let's move, team!"

"The sooner we find these guys..." Daniel muttered to himself.

The gate to the fortress was guarded by two Arnakim wearing armor and holding spears. SG-1 waited just around the corner till they could plan their next move. They were so close, they could hear the guards talking to each other.  
"Yeah well, I hear that the gods have promised high favor to the ones who can deliver the Ta'uri to them. Maybe we can get our own planet."  
"There wouldn't be a system big enough to hold all the Arnakim if that were true," his fellow objected, "and I sure as sunshine ain't gonna share a world with you! I wonder what the gods want with them, anyway."  
"Them gods is strange folk," The first Arnak agreed. "Mebbe it's because the Tau'ri look so much like them."  
"Idiot!" His companion slapped the first Arnak across the chest with the shaft of his spear. "The Tau'ri are troublemakers, evil little creatures, much less powerful than the gods. Don't even try to compare them. You think you can just pop the gods in a cage like the other ones are? Not a chance!"  
"Hail, brothers!" a third voice called, as another Arnak clumped down the steps. "The table is spread. Your relief is on it's way."  
"It's about time!" one of the Arnakim muttered, "I'm hungry."  
To the elation of the three listening Tau'ri, the three Arnakim left the gateway untended.  
Jack didn't miss a beat.  
"Now's our chance," he hissed, "Go!"  
With FRED in tow, they fell into step behind the giant men.

"Okay," Sam muttered when they were alone in the halls of the keep, "the cages should be down the second hall on the left and on the right."  
"_Should_ be?" Jack repeated.  
"Don't you know?" Daniel asked.  
She shook her head, "Not one hundred percent sure, but very likely. I'll be more certain the closer we get."

They snuck down the halls. The hallway designated by Sam held two guards and several packing crates and tarps. Jack and Daniel concealed FRED under these.  
"We have to figure out how to get past those guards," Daniel stated the obvious.  
"I have an idea," Jack remarked.

His idea consisted of tossing small pebbles down the hall as a diversion while Sam and Daniel snuck along the wall behind the crates and under the tarps. Once they reached the doorway and the curious guards reached the end of the hall to investigate, Jack charged down the narrow alley and into the room they sought. The hallway was deserted by the time the Arnakim guards returned to their posts.

Jack, Sam and Daniel all gazed around the room.  
"Where do you suppose they are?" Daniel asked.  
A painfully-high-pitched squeal erupted from the back corner. Instinctively, everyone ducked for cover.


	3. Chapter 3: Up, Up, And Away

The noise ceased, and the team remained unharmed. In the silence that followed, Jack heard someone whisper, "Blast!" He took one tentative step forward, only for the horrendous squeal to begin once more. Jack grinned and pointed in the direction of the shriek.  
"There they are," he stated.

Carter cringed until the noise ceased. "Good thing we found them," she remarked as they crept across the room, "because whatever that was disrupted the locator signal."

Amid crates, tarps, and various whatnot, Jack discovered three cages large enough for a human to crouch in and no larger. Each contained a prisoner. One wore a tweed jacket and was in the process of aiming a silver wand at the lock. It was the wand that emitted the painful noise. Jack waited for it to stop before dashing forward.

"Hey, people," he whispered to the shocked prisoners. "We are SG-1 and we're here to rescue you."

"Wha—Hallo! Humans!" Tweed Jacket jumped in surprise; not an easy thing when you're practically in the fetal position.

"Who exactly are you, again?" asked the man in the cage Sam was trying to unlock.

Sam grinned. "The name's Major Samantha Carter of SG-Team 1, but you can call me Sam."

The man stuck his hand through the bars, practically in her face.

"Name's Rory, Rory Will—Pond," he changed his mind at the first syllable. He pointed to the cage where Daniel was hard at work from every angle he could think of. "Over there's my wife, Amy."

Jack heard this and looked up at Tweed Jacket. "You must be the Doctor we were sent to find, then."

The odd, gangly man tilted his head. "Who sent you?"

Sam grunted as the tool she inserted seemed to have no effect on the status of the complicated lock.

"The Tollans," she answered.

"Ha! Good old Travell, I knew she'd come through for us!"

"Wait, that High Chancellor woman?" Rory wondered. "I thought she told us repeatedly that this would be a suicide mission."

"And yet here we are," the Doctor pointed out, "and when we run into trouble, she sends you, whoever you are."

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, United States Air Force," Jack rapped out automatically. "These are my teammates, Major Samantha Carter and Dr. Daniel Jackson." He gestured with a jerk of his thumb. He was still trying various points of the design. "I think I've figured—" With the force of both fists on either side of the lock, Jack shoved as hard as he could. The movement produced an audible click, but it also pushed the cage off it's ledge, with Jack still clinging to the outside.

"Whoa!"

"Look out!"

Jack was flung free, and landed hard on his back. When he opened his eyes, the Doctor stood over him, apparently studying him with some concern.

Jack recovered his wit and his dignity only a few moments before his breath.

"Oh good, you're free," he panted. "I knew that was going to happen."

"Right-o!" The strange man offered his hand and hauled Jack upright. "I tell you, the more I see of you people and your world, the more I'm just fascinated by it all!" He punched the air enthusiastically for emphasis.

Jack raised an eyebrow at him, "What do you mean, 'you people'?"

"And what do you mean, 'your world'?" Daniel added.

Doctor shrugged and set about smoothing his person. "I meant Earth of course, and you humans; you are humans from Earth, right?" He looked skeptically from one to the other.

"Well yeah," Daniel stammered hesitantly, "I mean, what else would we be?"

"Are you saying_ you_ aren't from Earth?" Sam queried.

Rory shrugged, "Well, Amy and I are; but the Doctor, he's—"

"Gallifreyan, actually," Doctor beamed proudly and straightened his bowtie. "The last of my race."

Jack shook his head. "I might have known; all right, Doc, here's the plan: once we get the others out, we'll take you all back through the Stargate to home."

The Doctor grinned like Jack had just offered to carry them home on his Tin Lizzy. "You use stargates to get around?"

"Hang on," Rory hollered from within his cage, "What's a Stargate?"

"Why can't we just take the TARDIS?" Amy wondered.

Jack waved the questions aside. "Carter, Daniel, how are you making out with those locks?"

"Unfortunately, sir," Sam grunted, "ours seem a bit more complicated than you made it seem."

"Well," Jack glanced back toward the door where two new guards now stood. "Hurry it up; this could be our shortest mission ever if we can complete it by dinnertime."

Doctor shook his head, "That's impossible. See, rescuing us was just Phase 1. There's more for me to do here."

Jack glared at him and pulled around a corner from the others.  
"Look, I don't give a hoot what you thought you were going to do before, but you blew all chances of that when you got caught. Now I am calling the shots, and we are leaving as soon as your friends are free."

"No, no, you see, I came here early enough that we actually still have a day or two to complete the mission, before things happen to prevent me from ever getting to it!"

Jack remained adamant. "I don't care! Come back some other time, when we're not here."

The Doctor frowned at him. "You're American, right?"

Jack didn't understand this change of subject. "Yeah, what's that got to—"

"You're all for life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, right? Well," Doctor continued, "right now—well, actually, quite a few centuries ago—there is (or was) a young man named Jack who lived on an English farm and a giant climbed down a beanstalk and Jack killed him which sparked an intergalactic feud in which the giants used their own sort of technology to travel to Earth and enslave the people, and I've got to stop that from happening!"

Jack blinked twice, then strode quickly back toward the group.

"All right, wrap it up!" he ordered, "We're leaving."

"But sir—"

"Listen, if the Doc has the idea that staying here will save the world from enslavement, who are we to stand in his way?"

"Enslavement?" Daniel looked at the Doctor, who nodded vigorously.

"In about two days, something will happen to bring one of these giants into your history, from which point the Arnakim will conquer all the free people on Earth. It's an awful sight, let me tell you."

"We were there when it happened," Amy supplied soberly. "And we couldn't stop it then. That's why we're here now, to stop Earth from becoming slaves to the Arnakim."

Carter shook her head, "It may be that you are functioning from a different reality than we are."

"Carter!" Jack reproached her.

"Jack, remember the quantum mirror? Maybe this is a bit like that."

"Alternate reality?" the Doctor interposed. "You mean—"

"There is no such situation on our Earth," Carter confirmed.

"Ha!" Far from being confused as his companions were, the Doctor was elated. "But what year is it?"

Daniel shared a glance with Jack. "On Arnak?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Yes on Arnak, I'm concerned about a planet no one else will have even heard of heard of—No! Of course not! What year is it on Earth?"

"2003."

"Ah! Fantastic! Rory!" he hollered, spreading his arms wide with the "rock on" sign, "Who da man?"

Rory didn't even bother to look up. "Nope."

"Cummon, Rory!"

"You promised you weren't ever going to say it again, Doctor."

"Well, now I've said it, so now you've got to say the other thing!"

"No I don't."

"You know you want to!"

Rory sighed. "At this point the only thing I want to do is get out of this bloody cage and back to my own bloody home."

"Doctor," Amy spoke up, "you've got to help them, now that you're free."

Doctor rubbed his hands together. "All right, stand back, this will solve everything." He aimed the squealing silver wand at the cage.

"It didn't work from the inside," Amy objected, "what makes you think it will work from the outside?"

"It has to!"

"It won't," Rory interjected.

"Trust me, I'm the Doctor!" He pulled the silver wand out of his pocket.

"Now there's a contradiction!" Rory muttered to his wife.

"What is that?" Sam asked, watching the glowing green laser at the top.

"This is a sonic screwdriver," Doctor explained. "Very handy for getting out of many situations!"

"Except this one," Amy muttered back at Rory.

"All I have to do," The wiry man said, "is very carefully align the laser of the screwdriver-"

There was a pop and a hiss-

and yet the lock remained secure.

The Doctor looked very puzzled and began pounding the screwdriver against his palm. "Funny, that usually works-"

Jack heard the rumble of voices outside the door. He glanced back before pulling the Doctor into a corner.  
"Someone's coming!" He warned Carter and Daniel.

Too late! With a creaking groan, the cages—only one of them empty—sailed upwards, pulled by thick chains. Carter and Daniel hung in the expanding space, still clinging to the outside.

"The cages!" Jack yelled. By the time he reached the area, they were too far away to risk jumping without harm.

"Jack!" Carter cried.

"Amy!" shrieked the Doctor.

"Hang on, guys!" Was all Jack could think of to say.

The Doctor grabbed his elbow and hauled him into the shadows. "Here they come!" They barely had time to crouch down before the guards came thumping in.

"Hey!" one cried, "What's this?" They snatched both Daniel and Sam by their collars. The two friends were powerless, hanging several feet above the ground.

"More humans," another guard snorted. "Better cage 'em up with the others. The gods will be here soon, so we don't want to disappoint them."

"What if these aren't the ones they want?" the first guard asked, slinging Daniel over his shoulder and cradling Sam in one arm.

"A Tau'ri is a Tau'ri," His comrade reasoned, "Doesn't matter how many."

The room fell silent once again. The cages were gone, and now so were Daniel and Sam.

Jack kicked a crate. "Great, just great!"

Doctor sighed. "If you hadn't given up so quickly—"

"Don't even get me started on how stupid I think you are for getting yourself and the other two into this mess in the first place!" Jack snapped. All he could think about was the look on Sam's face as the Arnak carried her out of the room.

"Well I guess now we have to rescue all four of them," The Doctor was saying.

Jack shook his head. "Not a chance; it's been what, twenty minutes, and already I don't like you and I could care less if you and the others get handed over. It's us they're after, so I am going to do what it takes to rescue my team, and then _we are leaving_!"

"No, wait!" Doctor grabbed his arm "don't go—"

"Aht!" Jack turned and pulled roughly away. He held up a finger for silence. "We're done." He turned—

And smacked right into the belly of an Arnak who had walked in and stood right behind the two men.

"Holy—" Jack felt a terrific blow on the side of his head, and the lights went out.


	4. Chapter 4: Fee Fi Fo Fum

Jack regained consciousness slowly. His first realization was that the place on which he laid was uneven, like wood, with his legs dangling over empty space. Second, he realized that his hands were tied. Jack finally opened his eyes.  
He was in a room of some sort, but everything looked to be about twice as big as it should have been. He looked over. The Doctor was still unconscious. They seemed to be lying on an enormous table of some sort. Jack wondered if the ground was near enough to jump down safely. He leaned upward to check.

_"Aaaiieee!" _

Jack jumped in surprise and curled his legs protectively toward himself as a giant woman standing near the end of the table saw his movement and screamed in horror. Jack felt like having much the same reaction, himself.

"Hello Central!" Doctor bounced awake at the noise, "Yes! I'm awake!"

"Get down!" Jack threw his body toward the Doctor as the Arnak woman now began throwing towels at them.

"Sheba!" The Arnak who had picked them up returned to restrain the terrified woman. "Sheba calm down!"

"Ooh! They're so tiny!" She screamed. "Get them out! Take them away!"  
A heavy dishtowel landed across their faces, almost smothering the two men.

The screaming died down, and Jack began wondering if he should dare wriggle the towel off of them, or if there might be more trouble if he did that.

"D'you think they've gone?" The Doctor whispered to him.

In answer, the towel flew away from them, and they were brought face to face with the massive man who was their captor.

His face creased into a deep frown. His eyes gleamed as he squinted at them.

"Well?" he barked at last.

Jack and the Doctor exchanged glances. The latter replied first. "Well, what?" he stammered back.

The Arnak reached over and hauled him very near his face by his collar.  
"What's so special about you? That's what I want to know. Who are you and why are you here?"

Jack held out his bound hands, "I can tell you one thing we're not, and that's enemies. Cut these ropes off, then we'll talk."

The Arnak folded his arms reservedly. Jack could not fathom what would motivate the huge man.  
"Your wife's name is Sheba," The Doctor suddenly spoke up, "so you must be Jorem. You have a birthday soon, and you're looking forward to eating a dish called hayammas. Your favorite color is green, and you like to play with horses." Jorem dropped the Doctor in astonishment, but the man recovered his composure and kept going.  
"Tonight your neighbor will come by, asking about a rumor he has heard concerning your lack of faith in your gods, which you will deny, but in reality it is true. You do not believe in the gods of your people."

Jorem collapsed onto a stool near the table. His eyes were wide with horror.  
"How do you know all this about me? I don't even know you!"

The Doctor smiled, "I know, because I'm the Doctor. I've traveled back in time to your world because this neighbor of yours will listen to what you have to say about other worlds, and he will take a special device to create a bridge to our world, and there he will encounter a foolish young boy who thinks he is here to kill humans. This boy will kill the Arnak and use the bridge to return here and steal treasures from your people.

"For killing an Arnak and stealing, your gods will sanction a war against our world which will enslave them and move many Arnakim to our world as our masters." The Doctor looked straight into Jorem's eyes and held his gaze. "I am here to stop that from happening." He held our his hands. "Now untie us, please."

Jorem proved only too willing. He jumped up and simply pulled the ropes of the two men's wrists.  
"Sorry about that," he said, " I didn't know why you were running about, or what you were up to, so I figured the safest thing to do would be tie you up. When I saw you in the fortress loose, I knew there was going to be trouble because the Leaders were rounding up the Tau'ri and caging them for the Goa'uld Lords."

Jack rubbed his wrist to remove the sting of his bonds. "You know about the Goa'uld?"

Jorem glanced toward the door. Sheba was standing there, wide-eyed.

"Jorem," she gasped in a quivering voice, "Why are you talking to the little men?"

"Sheba," Jorem gently embraced his wife and guided her into the room. "They are harmless. I think they can be our friends. Do not be afraid. See?"

Tentatively, Sheba reached forward and jabbed Jack in the shoulder with her finger.  
"Ow!" he muttered.

She gave a little cry and clutched her husband's arm. Jorem patted her soothingly.

"Here, Sheba; why don't you go to the kitchen and cook us something nice. We'll stay in here and talk; does that sound all right?"

Sheba refused to take her eyes off of the two strange little men until she was so far into the kitchen that she could no longer see them. Jorem sighed and pulled up two stools for Jack and the Doctor to sit on.  
When they were all settled, Jorem began, "You knew I didn't believe they were gods. Of course I know what they really are. Lord Nimrod and Lord Canaan are not as powerful as they want us to believe. They have power beyond our own, but they are not gods." He shook his head. "Anyway, now that we are friends, what are your names?"

"You can call me Doctor," the lively British man offered.

"Doctor what?" Jorem asked.

The Doctor hesitated at this. "You know, I haven't gotten that one before."

Jorem pointed to Jack. "And you?"

"Colonel Jack O'Neill," Jack said, "but you can call me Jack. Say, Jorem," he continued, "why are the Arnakim Leaders so anxious to capture the Tau'ri?"

Jorem sighed. "It's because they are afraid. We have been perfectly happy living on our own, since no other beings ever came here. Then the Goa'uld cane and set themselves up as our gods. The Leaders think that if we give them their greatest enemies as a present, they will leave us to ourselves again."

"Um, excuse me," the Doctor interjected, "What's a Tory?"

Jack smirked, "It's what these other Stargate systems—like the Goa'uld—call people from Earth."

"The Goa'uld have never been able to defeat the Tau'ri, but they were no match for us. When the Lords heard that we had captured the three Tau'ri, they made the Leaders swear to hold them until they came."

"When were they planning on showing up?" Jack wondered.

"Three day's time," Jorem stated.

"That gives us three days to rescue the others," The Doctor murmured.

"Others?" Jorem frowned, "Wait, weren't there four others? With you two, that makes six—which ones are the three Tau'ri whom the Goa'uld want?"

Jack raised his hand, "Me, and the two new prisoners. I wonder how the Leaders are going to explain having four."

Jorem shrugged. "Isn't there one of you fluent in the Goa'uld tongue?"

Jack nodded, "There is that." Slowly he realized the Arnak's logic. "You really think they would—"

"Oh, more than likely," Jorem nodded as Sheba emerged from the kitchen with dishes, utensils, and a pot of stew. By the glances from Jorem, Jack guessed the kind of stew was called hayammas. "They might excuse having four prisoners by trying to pass the fourth one off as the Jaffa."

Jack accepted the bowl and did his best to eat with the enormous spoon. He glanced at the Doctor, who was examining the soup with his silver wand. Its effect seemed to satisfy him and he dug in with a relish.

"I guess you were right," Jack admitted to him. "We really have to rescue them now-preferrably _before_ Daniel is executed as a Jaffa traitor."


	5. Chapter 5: Be He Alive Or Be He Dead

***N/A: I stand corrected on several counts... thank you Evenmoor!  
**

"Well," Rory announced, "I don't know about anyone else, but I've been through worse."

They were the four of them enclosed in individual cages with barely enough room to sit cross-legged and none to stretch out fully. Then the guards had been posted within the room instead of outside it, but the two Arnakim had fallen asleep from watching the prisoners do nothing. Now the humans could only sit in torture as their guards snored loud and incessantly.

Daniel snorted at Rory's comment.  
"Yeah, right; have you died?"

"Yes."

"Been a ghost?"

"Nearly; I was a cyborg for a time."

"Been invisible?"

Amy flinched in her cage, "Don't look at me like that!" She muttered at her husband.

Rory turned back to Daniel on his other side, "All right, maybe not really; sounds like you have, though."

Daniel nodded, "Invisible, ghost, dead, left for dead, resurrected—" he threw up his hands, "That's the trouble with dealing with alien worlds: you never know what it might do to you."

"Well," Amy spoke out again, "It's the same with us, too, only most of the time it's the alien races coming to invade Earth that we have to stop."

Sam shifted positions as the bars of the cage began digging into her body.

"See," she began, "that's what I have trouble understanding: what invasions are you talking about?"

"Oh, you know," Rory sighed after sharing a glance with his wife, "the usual: vampires from space in the fifteenth century, Sirens from space in the seventeenth century, robots from space during World War II—"

"That one time when our grown daughter River came after us just months after she was born and Hitler shot her and she almost killed the Doctor," Amy added.

"Wow!" Daniel gaped, "you two sound like you're pretty well traveled, except...this is all on Earth that we're talking about?"

"At various times throughout history and the future," Amy answered, "yeah."

"How is that possible?" Sam breathed. "I mean, the Stargate technology is relatively understandable, because it's sort of a quantum bridge from one planet to another, with real-time relativity—but being able to skip through time like that?"

Amy chuckled, "It's called the TARDIS, and it looks like a 20th-century police call box. It travels through time and space and it's bigger on the inside. The Doctor is the last of the Time Lords."

"Time Lords?" Daniel repeated, "Is that like the Goa'uld System Lords?"

Rory shrugged.

"What are Goa'ulds?" Amy asked.

"They are a race of larva-like parasites who take control of humanoids and provide their hosts with some..." Daniel searched for the right word, "..._evolutionary_ advancements. Their knowledge and possession of unheard-of technology can allow them to invade a smaller, more primitive society and set themselves up as deities," he sneered, "but they are no more supernatural than you or I."

"Okay," Rory mused, "So how do we stop them?"

Before Daniel could answer, he saw the Arnakim guards snap to attention. Through the door strode two Jaffa bearing unfamiliar symbols on their foreheads. If they weren't so threatening to him and his friends, Daniel might have laughed to actually see the size difference between them and the Arnakim.

The Goa'uld stood at a distance from the cages.

"Bring them before us," one of them commanded in a hollow voice.

The Arnakim obeyed immediately. They lowered the cages to the ground and opened them, hauling the humans out by their arms and forcing the four of them to their knees before the two emissaries.

The Jaffa moved forward as one and laid hands on the prisoners. None of them dared make a sound as the two Goa'uld examined their faces and studied their clothing.

"This one," one of the Jaffa barked, grabbing a handful of Amy's hair and throwing her to the ground. He glared accusingly at the guard, "You spoke of only one female, and two males; why now are there two females?"

"Were there not three Tau'ri that you captured?" The other one inquired, looking very closely at Daniel. "Why then are there now four?"

"I can explain," A third Arnak entered the room and bowed low so that his head was level with the Jaffa. He grabbed Daniel by the nape of his neck. "Tell Lord Nimrod and Lord Canaan that we also have the Jaffa who betrayed his kind and helps the Tau'ri—Teal'c."

Fury burned in the Jaffa's eyes as he struck Daniel full in the face.

"_SHOL'VA_!" He thundered. When he turned back to the Arnak, he smiled viciously.  
"Our Lords will be pleased to receive these from your hands—but where is the one called O'Neill?"

The Arnak looked nervously from one to the other. "Um, hmm—" He stammered. "Well, we do not know their names. We merely captured them on sight, and thought that it would be right in the Lords' eyes."

The smile dimmed. "You would do well to learn the names of these prisoners before Lord Nimrod and Lord Canaan arrive to collect them."

The Arnak gasped. "Th-th—they are coming? Here?"

"Do not fear," the Jaffa assured him, keying in his wrist teleporter to return to the ship, "if indeed you have captured the enemies of my Lords, you will bring blessing forevermore upon your land. They will arrive in three days' time. Prepare for that day, T'almi, and all will be well for you." As he finished speaking, he vanished in a flash of light.

Rory and Amy were just as astonished as the Arnakim, but Daniel and Sam exchanged glances. Daniel rolled his eyes.

Once they recovered, the Arnak surveyed his prisoners.  
"All right, you four!" He said, directing a guard with a chain of manacles forward. "Let's you and me have ourselves a nice chat about your missing friends."

The Arnak hauled the four prisoners into another room, one with a throne at the end. He left the chain in the custody of a guard and seared himself on the throne. He nodded to the guard, who raised the chain high above their heads, high enough so that they came eye-level with the Arnakim.

"Which one of you are the Tau'ri that we seek?" the Arnak asked.

"Your Grace," the guard spoke, fingering Amy's hair as he did, "The Jaffa did not appear to recognize this one; it could be that she and her companions are the impostors."

The Arnak leader stroked his chin, "Hmm, yes, it could be so; and as their rescuers, that would make you two—" he pointed to Sam and Daniel, "the real Tau'ri." He smiled and rubbed his hands. "Now we are getting somewhere! All right, now: is the man the O'Neill Jaffa Pokkan spoke of?"

Daniel could do little to defend himself as the guard's huge hands searched him everywhere, checking his face, his hair, his back, the pockets of his uniform; finally, he found the badge bearing his name.

"He is Jackson, Your Grace," the guard confirmed.

"Where is O'Neill?" The Leader demanded.

"He is not with us!" Sam cried. "We came by ourselves!"

"Since when do the Tau'ri strike out leaderless?" The Arnak scorned. "I do not believe you. I believe we can find O'Neill and the other human who escaped, and when we do, we will present all of you to Lord Nimrod and Lord Canaan, and Arnak can once again be free of outsiders!" He waved his hand. "Take them back to the cages." He ordered.

The guard lowered the chain, and the humans sighed in relief as the blood rushed back into their arms again.

Sam couldn't stop thinking about Jack and the Doctor.

Amy nudged her from behind. "Do you think they're okay?"

"I hope they are," Sam murmured back, "but unless a miracle happens, they won't be for long."


	6. Chapter 6: The Blood Of An Englishman

"It is safe now!" Jorem cried, flinging open the lid of the large footlocker.

Jack and the Doctor stretched their arms and stood. It had been relatively cramped in that space, but it was the best place to hide when the Doctor's prediction came true and Jorem's neighbor came knocking. The Arnak looked at them both with a new light of respect in his eye.

"I don't believe it!" he cried, "Just like you said! It all happened just that way!"

"Of course it did!" The Doctor was nonplussed. "I was there."

Jack's head spun. "Wait... you were there?"

The Englishman nodded, straightening his bowtie and smoothing his hair. "Yes; I came by in my TARDIS to see what manner of beings these Arnakim were before I traveled a bit further back and got caught."

Jack still didn't understand how he talked of time as a series of destinations. "What's a TARDIS? Is that the whooshing sound we heard?"

The Doctor nodded, "As a matter of fact, it was."

"So..." Jack was getting dizzy with all the time-travel talk. "_That's _why you came up with the idea of hiding in the footlocker. You knew we would be in there this whole time."

"Well," The Doctor objected, "Not the _whole _time. It hadn't occurred to me till just then that the strange thumping I had heard during the conversation, and the source of Jorem's agitation during the conversation would be in fact me, from the future, and an American, huddled in the darkness."

Jack sneered. "You make it sound so cozy..." he muttered. He had never been overly fond of tight spaces; tight spaces with an irritating companion were even worse.

Jorem cut in at this point. "So what about the other thing?" Suddenly, the two men had a twelve-foot-tall ally willing to help them with anything. "The thing you came to stop, how do we do it?"

The Doctor climbed out of the footlocker ahead of Jack and stood upon the rug, gazing thoughtfully at Jorem.  
"Does the name T'almi mean anything to you?" he asked.

Jorem blinked, "Wh—he's one of the leaders; is he the one that climbs down and gets killed?"

"Apparently so," Doctor replied, glancing at Jack. "We must retrieve from him the device that he would use to reach Earth. He keeps it at his place of residence."

The matter-of-fact way in which the Doctor presented these key facts at unexpected moments was beginning to wear on Jack's nerves. "Hold on a minute, Doc," he interjected, "Do you know exactly where he keeps this device?"

"Yes!" Doctor answered him immediately, then "No! Well—more or less."

Jack rolled his eyes, "Because you are about this close—" he measured the space with his fingers, "to finding the thing on your own!"

"Of course I can't do it on my own," Doctor objected, "That's why I needed a team of the best task force Chancellor Travell could put together at short notice!"

"Yeah, look how that turned out! Two out of three of your wonderful task force are captive! What about rescuing them?"

Doc sighed. "In my occupation—yes! I'm calling it that, let me finish! Being what and Who I am, it is very dangerous for me to get so attached to specific people when worlds are at stake. Right now, the safety if Earth hangs in the balance, so, I'm sorry, but we must prioritize that before we can turn to rescuing our friends," he emphasized the word to remind Jack that he, too, had friends in danger.

Jack sighed. "All right; where do we need to go?"

"I know the way to his castle," Jorem volunteered. "We can go there in the morning. I'll show you two where you can spend the night."

"Marvelous!" Doctor cheered. "Next stop, the giant's castle! Allons-y!"

Jack reluctantly followed the pair. "Hooray," he groaned.

The next morning, the unlikely trio set off. Jorem wore a huge cloak under which Doctor and Jack could hide if they attracted unwanted attention. Luckily, the Arnak knew many less-traveled roads to T'almi's castle, so they could avoid the bulk of the crowds.

At last they arrived at the doorstep of the fortress. Jack looked up at the massive portcullis.

"Well, now what?" he remarked when no one moved.

Jorem began to fidget. "Um, well, they say T'almi does not have guards in his castle because he protects it with traps and magic." The Arnak shuddered.

"Hmph!" Doctor immediately produced his sonic screwdriver and scanned the area. "Ah, as I suspected: the metal in this gate is supercharged with electricity, probably enough to fell an Arnak, to say nothing of people our size," he remarked.

Jack shot him a look, "Cute," he responded sarcastically. "For a screwdriver, that thing would be more useful for making cabinets! Is there a back door that isn't charged?"

"We could probably get through a window at the back," Jorem offered.

Jack nodded. "As long as I'm not getting shocked, I'm good."

Jorem led them to the back of the castle. Just inches from the wall, a turret with a wide window presented a tantalizing invitation.

"Up you go," Jorem boosted the humans up to the sill. "Careful for any traps as you go inside!"

Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver, which apparently scanned and ostensibly disabled any traps closest to them.

"At any rate, the floor's safe," he informed Jack.

"On three," Jack counted, "One...two... three!"

They jumped off the sill, and the instant they did, the two humans heard a loud thud. When they landed, they immediately looked up. The window had slammed shut behind them. Jorem was still outside.

Doctor fired his screwdriver, but the window didn't budge.

"Our bodies leaving the sill must have released the trigger that closed the window," he surmised.

Jack looked out across the darkened halls, lit by too few torches.

"I guess we're on our own, then," he sighed.

_At least_, he thought with some relief as they continued, _we still have that screwdriver._

For all his sarcasm, Jack had to own that perhaps it was more useful than he had assumed at first. With the small silver device, the Doctor could detect whether the floor ahead in the shadows was booby-trapped or not, what sort of trip wires were in place, and what was making that creepy noise.

Sounds echoed through the cavernous hallway—sounds of crumbling stones and cracking wood. Every so often came a wooshing sound like the breath a slumbering dragon. Jack cringed when furious shrieking echoed over their heads. Doctor gave him a confused look.

"I've never liked bats," Jack muttered.

They snuck onward, serenaded by the squeal of the screwdriver. Suddenly, he drew up short.

"Hmm, that's odd," he mumbled.

"What?" Jack asked.

The eccentric, skinny man stared down a hallway to the left.

"Wait!" he cried, and darted off into the darkness.

"Wait for what?" Jack hissed, but by then the Doctor was long gone. Jack sighed; should he follow the eccentric, unpredictable man, or remain behind (if the instruction was really meant for him)? Minutes ticked by, and the Doctor did not reappear. Just then, a screeching creature flew very close to Jack's head, and the decision was made for him. He switched on his flashlight and proceeded down the long hall, a good deal more cautiously than the other man had.

Doctor followed the signal he received from the sonic screwdriver. It grew stronger and stronger as he moved down the hall. It seemed to be picking up human life forms grouped close together somewhere.

At last he found the source of the signal: a large room, at the back of which was a large cage containing the missing friends.

"Amy! Rory!" the Doctor ran forward.

The prisoners were unconscious. Doctor looked toward the padlock on the cage. It bore an inscription:

"Whomsoever would open this lock needs only to find the right key in time."

The minute he finished reading it, the golden padlock hummed and transformed into the shape of a harp.

"Of course!" the Doctor cried, "The golden harp! Find the right key in time! Let me see." He reached for the instrument and tried a few experimental plucks.

"Ti-Do-Ti! Re-Do-Ti!"

The lock remained silent.

"Right key..." Doctor muttered, "...right time... What key would that be?"

The lock had two keyholes. The Doctor tried another melody.

"Ti-fa-ti-la! So-fa-so-fa!"

Still it did not budge. Not even the sonic could help this lock. The blast would surely warp the strings, and then what would happen when they broke?

In the stillness, as the doctor puzzled over the hundreds of possibilities, he heard a faint sound. He peered closer at the prisoners.

Amy was humming; unconsciously, she emitted distinct tones.

"Amy?" Doctor gasped, clutching at the bars in wild hope.

The humming continued—and one of Jack's friends, the woman (what was her name? Something masculine, for sure), took up the tune, overlapping Amy in a disjointed almost-fugue.

The Doctor blinked. He could not be entirely sure, but the tune the girls hummed seemed to be two musical phrases repeated over and over. Rory suddenly took up the tune, and Jack's doctor, too. The Doctor had four people humming the same tune at different times.

"Find the key at the right time!" he cried. Grinning, he whipped out his screwdriver and aimed it at the quartet. Gradually, three of the voices died off, until Rory was the last one singing. The Doctor listened closely, taking care that he struck the same notes Rory hummed, in the same rhythm he hummed them.

"Ti-Fa-Do-Sol! Ti-La-Sol!"

The lock buzzed and clicked. The Doctor stepped back and watched as a light flashed from within the padlock...

Jack reached the end of the hall. There was only one open door. The room behind it was empty and dark.

"Doc?" he called. His voice hung in the heavy air. Something glinted on the ground. Jack cautiously moved forward and picked it up.

It was the sonic screwdriver. Jack stood up and looked around. Where was the Doctor?

* * *

Jack reached the end of the hall. There was only one open door. The room behind it was empty and dark.

"Doc?" he called. His voice hung in the heavy air. Something glinted on the ground. Jack cautiously moved forward and picked it up.

It was the sonic screwdriver. Jack stood up and looked around. Where was the Doctor? Jack found it improbable that someone who used a device so frequently would just leave it or drop it—unless...

Jack forced himself not to ponder that thought and instead sought for a way out of the house. Jack looked at the heavy wand in his hand. Perhaps the Doctor had somehow used it to transport himself to a different area of the house, and then left it behind for Jack to use.

"And while we're at it," Jack muttered to the empty air, "how in the heck do you use this thing?" He tried holding the screwdriver and flourishing as he had seen the doctor do several times. The first flourish was too slow and had no effect. Jack tried flicking his wrist, and the end of the screwdriver flew open and emitted such a shriek that Jack closed his eyes. A bright image flashed upon his mind with such force that he dropped the device and clutched his head.

Jack opened his eyes slowly. What had just happened? He glanced from one corner of the room to the other, and then looked at the sonic screwdriver. Resolutely, he flicked it again, and once again, the vision of a large, shining shape burst across his mind. It seemed to happen when the screwdriver pointed to the darkness ahead of him. As he focused on the shape, it materialized into some sort of animal. Finally, it got to be too much and he had to close the device for a moment. He rubbed his eyes.

"Okay..." he muttered, "so that's how it works."

When he felt ready, Jack stood and flicked open the screwdriver to see the animal again. He began walking toward it, but ten yards later, he bumped into a wall. Keeping the screwdriver trained on it so as not to lose sight of the creature, Jack mumbled, "What I really could use is a door."

Suddenly a section of the wall in front of him swung outward as if on hinges. Jack stared at it. It seemed like a perfectly normal door...except for the fact that there hadn't been a door there before...had there? There might have been, and the screwdriver merely opened it.

Jack shook his head. Magic or not, a door was a door, and evidently he ought to go through it. He made sure to deposit the screwdriver safely in his pocket before exiting the room.

On the other side of the wall, he came face-to-face with the animal. It was roughly the size of a large ram and covered with golden feathers. Jack moved forward and studied it curiously.

The creature picked up it's head, and Jack jumped back in alarm.

"MOTHER..._Goose_!" he gasped.

The enormous goose blinked at him. Trembling, Jack slipped the screwdriver out of his pocket and prepared to zap the animal with it.

The screwdriver bleeped, and Jack seemed to see through the goose's body to a glowing blue object underneath. He blinked and closed the screwdriver. The x-ray vision ceased; he opened it, and it began again. Jack tucked away the screwdriver and studied the goose, who quietly studied him right back.

"So..." Jack mused, "You're hiding something. Must be the Magic Bean thing, eh?" He patted the animal on it's side, pushing against it to test it's weight. It didn't feel too heavy, only it's size made it potentially cumbersome. Jack pulled out the screwdriver again. He flicked it open and pointed it at the goose.

The large golden bird reacted as if the screwdriver were a taser. It jumped up in a flurry of glittering feathers and honked loudly. Jack went for the Magic Bean and dropped it in his cargo pocket before chasing after the agitated goose. Jack grabbed it's head.

"Quiet!" he hissed, wrapping both hands around the massive beak.

In the stillness, Jack heard heavy footfalls. The goose struggled under him like it would alarm the Arnak if Jack let it go. He kept a firm grip on it as he tried to decide the next move.

He never got the chance. The footsteps arrived at the door, and the largest Arnak Jack had ever seen entered the room.  
He took one look at Jack and stormed toward him with a terrible expression. He lifted Jack right off his feet with very little effort.

"You miserable little thief!" he roared. "Thought you might steal my goose, did ya? You should know better than to mess with the Arnakim! Now you're going to pay!"

_A/N: Thanks for waiting! I had some trouble coming up with the musical trap... and then I had the nerve to translate the Dr. Who and Stargate themes (at least the first main melodic phrase) into Solfege! (Dr. Who is first, then Stargate-let me know if I got it right! ;D) -KM _


	7. Chapter 7: The Man With The Blue Box

Jack wriggled desperately several feet above the ground. He stared into those large, beady eyes. Jack felt small and powerless—till he remembered the small device in his hand. Straining against the powerful grip on his collar, Jack raised his arm. The screwdriver flipped open of it's own accord, and Jack aimed it directly into the giant's eyes.

T'almi roared and released Jack—who realized as he dropped how bad his depth perception had been. He landed spread-eagle on the stone floor. Man and giant recovered at about the same time, but Jack wasn't about to let the Arnak immobilize him again. He flicked the sonic screwdriver open in short, frequent bursts, like pulling the trigger on a laser gun. At least it had the desired effect of confusing the big man as Jack crawled around his ankles on all fours, flashing the light whenever T'almi got too close. The next thing he focused on was finding a door. The only exit in the room was the door right behind the enraged, unmoving giant.  
Jack rolled away from the large, groping hands capable of tearing him limb from limb.

"I'll get you yet, little dwarf!" T'almi threatened. He took three stumbling paces forward.

At last, the doorway was clear! Jack jumped to his feet and ran toward it with all his might. He had no sooner reached the hallway than T'almi began chasing after him.

Jack was running out of options—and space. He knew it would be a dangerous thing to go charging back through the house the way he and the Doctor had entered, what with all the traps and all.

Jack's thoughts clicked into place. The traps! He darted down a side hallway, taking random corners where he knew it was almost too narrow for T'almi to follow. Sure enough, the thudding steps and the roaring faded, and Jack received a welcome break. Now to figure out just where he was (which was well-nigh impossible), and figure out how to lure T'almi into one of his own traps without Jack falling into or tripping any, himself (which was slightly more so).

"Unless..." Jack muttered, pulling out the sonic screwdriver and bracing himself for the explosive mental picture that came with it.

He flipped it open, and suddenly he knew exactly where this hallway was and where the nearest traps were. Jack picked the particular trap he wanted to use and moved to a key position near that trap.

He whistled loudly into the still darkness.  
"Hey!" he yelled. "Come and get me, you big lout!"

Jack heard a savage roar, then felt the floor shake as T'almi charged toward him. The giant emerged in the hallway, and Jack waved him over.

"I'm right here, stupid!" he called.

T'almi was so intent on destroying the little man—gods or no gods—that he failed to recall that this particular hallway had a tripwire strung across it, connected to one of the support beams below them. The wire snapped as he walked across it, and the floor in front of him gave way right as he stepped onto it. Jack watched as T'almi sank from the second story into a huge, waiting net on the first. It spread around him so tightly that the giant could not move.

Jack couldn't resist waving to him before leaving. "Toodle-oo!"  
He just barely made it away from the edge of the pit before the adrenaline slacked off and his knees felt like jelly. He leaned against the wall for support.

"Oh, hallo!"

Jack jumped back as a voice cried out very near his ear.

"Don't DO that!" he snapped.

The Doctor didn't seem to notice. He grinned. "That's all right, then. What did I miss?"

Jack fought to keep his frustration in check. "What did you miss? Where the heck were you?"

Doctor shrugged. "Oh, well, I found the cage with everyone in it with an enchanted lock attached to the golden harp and I found the right key in the right time, which sent me down a small chute into a dark cellar of some sort and I didn't have anything to light my way so it was a beastly time trying to feel my way out of the—" Finally, he caught the look in Jack's eye. "Ahem," Doctor thumped his chest and cleared his throat. "I got caught in a trap and fell in a hole."

Jack nodded dubiously, "Good to know." He gave a facetious grin.

The wiry Englishman fiddled with his bowtie and glanced at Jack nervously. "So..." he began slowly, "Did you get it?"

Jack rolled his eyes and pulled the Magic Bean out of his pocket. "Oh yeah, Doc," he retorted, "and I took care of the giant, too!"

"Oh!" The Doctor's eyes lit up, "You found it! Splendid!" He slipped the device into a case evidently designed for it. He then looked back at Jack. "I meant the screwdriver; I think I dropped it when I fell. You didn't happen to pick it—"

Jack wordlessly dangled the wand in front of his face. The Doctor grinned like a schoolboy.

_"There_ you are, lovely!" he gushed as he accepted the screwdriver.

"Okay, now that's done," Jack interrupted the Doctor's moment of reverie, "Can we figure out how to get out of here?"

The Doctor nodded. He scanned the room with the screwdriver. Jack realized briefly that his by his own use of the device, he now had a better appreciation for it's effectiveness, in spite of the name.  
The Doctor selected a direction. "Front door is this way," he said, "follow me."

Jack jogged along as the Doctor led him right past all the traps.

After what felt like a whole week inside that house, it felt good to shove open the large oaken front door and out into the late-afternoon sun. Jack paused to soak it in—then was grabbed from behind in a bear-hug by an exuberant Arnak.

"Hey!" Jorem cried, overjoyed at seeing his two newest friends again, "I thought for sure you guys didn't stand a chance in there! Boy, am I glad you made it out alive!"

Jack fought against the near-stranglehold but couldn't do much. Finally Jorem dropped him and Jack coughed and gasped for breath.

"Glad to see you too, Jorem," he muttered as he regained his composure.

"So," Jorem rubbed his hands together in glee, "Did you get the thing?"

"Right here, big fella," The Doctor pulled the case holding the Magic Bean out of his pocket.

"That means T'almi isn't going to die, and there will be no war, right?"

Jack glanced back toward the house where the large man lay trapped in his own house. "Not unless your leader holds a grudge, or has more of those bean things laying around."

The Doctor shook his head, "I don't think so," he chuckled. "This is a Tollan prototype. Meron said there was only one missing, and I highly doubt T'almi intended to copy the device. In fact, from what I understand, he never quite figured out how to really use the thing, his whole part in the traditional beanstalk story is purely accidental! You see—"

"Hey Doc," Jack groused, thumping him on the shoulder, "Can it!"

The Doctor cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. "Sorry; um, where were we?"

Jerom glanced back toward the house. "Did you find the others in there?" he asked.

"Yes," The Doctor answered immediately, "Well, not exactly; I mean, I couldn't be sure. The last time I saw them, they were in a golden cage."

Jerom suddenly shoved the two humans into a nearby bush. They watched innocently as two Arnak guards entered T'almi house and brought something out of it.

Jack pointed. "You mean a cage like that one, Doc?"

The joking mood was gone. The Doctor frowned as he watched the guards depart. "Yeah," he said thickly, "that's it."

Once the guards were a safe distance away, Jack and the Doctor climbed out of the bushes.

"Follow that cage!" Jack cried.  
Jerom did not hesitate to scoop the two of them up and run down the path the guards had just taken.  
"We have a few hours before the Sacred Time," he said. "I think we'll make it before they get here!"

"Time..." Suddenly the Doctor got a huge grin and pulled out his sonic screwdriver. "I know a way we can get there that doesn't need any time!"

Jerom suddenly stopped and cowered. "What is it?" he yelled as a narrow blue box came spinning around his head.

"Don't hurt her!" Doc cried.

Jerom set them down as the box landed on the ground. Jack saw that it said POLICE CALL around the top in large white letters. Doc opened the door.

"Get in!" he hauled Jack inside.

They reappeared nearly the exact same moment they left—only now they were right on the fringe of the ceremony. Jack flung open the door and gasped for breath like a seasick man.

"We don't want to land too close, y'know," Doc was saying as he casually stepped out behind Jack. "We need to be discreet, and do this without attracting much attention."

Jack was still staring at the TARDIS. "B-b-bigger on the inside!" he spluttered in shock.

Heedless of his own warning, the Doctor suddenly pointed and cried out, "There they are!"

Jack looked around to make sure nobody heard that, and he caught sight of where the Doctor pointed. There, behind two Arnak guards, was a large cage with four people inside.

The two men crept quickly toward the cage. Sam was nearest to the edge, so Jack poked her in the side. "Carter!" he hissed.

She flinched and opened her eyes. She blinked at her strange surroundings, then looked shocked when she saw a familiar face. "Jack! Oh my gosh!" She reached through the bars to grab his hand. "You've gotta get us out of here!"

Jack looked over to where the Doctor was pointing the sonic screwdriver at the padlock. "Already on it," he assured her. "Wake the others up and wait for my go."

Sam nodded and followed the order as Jack and the Doctor crept back into the bushes. Jack saw the four prisoners stirring one by one as they regained consciousness, but remained exactly as they were to avoid suspicion.

"The trouble is," Jack muttered to the Doctor, "we don't know exactly when the Goa'uld are going to show up, or how carefully they are going to be watching the cage." He sighed, "I wish we could put together some kind of diversion for these guys."

The Doctor glanced toward a commotion in the distance. "With any luck," he replied, "we won't have to."  
Jack followed his gaze. T'almi, clothes torn, face bruised, was just stumbling toward the gathering.

"Leader T'almi," one of the Arnak asked, "what happened?"

The big man scowled. "The T'auri are far more dangerous than we ever expected! They attacked me in my own home! Let me tell you how it happened."

As the Arnak leader spoke, the group gravitated toward him—and away from the cafe containing the "sleeping" humans!

Jack waved to catch Sam's attention.  
"Go!" he mouthed.

Swiftly she roused everyone and they slipped out the door of the cage one by one.  
At last, the group of six were reunited in the bushes. After the relieved embraces were over, Jack got everyone's attention. "We don't have much time till the big guy finishes his story and they find out you're gone," he said.

"How do we get out of here?" Amy asked.

"It's too risky to try running all the way back to the Stargate," Daniel remarked.

Jack glanced sidelong at Daniel, "Yeah, about that..."

Daniel wore a wan expression. "You buried it, didn't you?"

Jack squinted and tipped his head. "Ehh, more like we _had_ it buried."

"So now what?" Sam asked.

The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. "Allow me," he said. The blue call box materialized in the bracken before them.

Daniel watched, flabbergasted by the unexpected vehicle. "Did you just grab a call box from the early 20th century of Earth?" He looked at the screwdriver, "Does that thing open a wormhole, too?"

"No!" the Doctor rolled his eyes and pointed. "That's the TARDIS! She's my ride. Get in!"

"You're kidding," Sam said as the rest—including Jack—seemed totally okay with playing "pile in a phone booth", "All of us? In there?"

Amy winked at her, "Remember what I said about it? Trust me, there is plenty of room for everybody."  
Sam stepped through the door behind her. "See, that's the thing, what you said makes no sense because you said the TARDIS—" she heard the sound of a very large motor and stopped. Sam looked up...way up. She looked around and saw that she was somehow now inside gigantic control room for an even bigger ship. "—bigger on the inside," she gasped weakly. She looked over at Jack, who slouched near the controls as if this whole thing was a regular occurrence. He caught her stare and shrugged.

"You get used to it," he joked. Jack turned to the Doctor. "Dial us home, Scotty."

The Doctor was tearing around the control board, spinning dials, throwing levers, and juggling toggles.  
"I can do better than that, Colonel," he bragged. "This ship moves through time as well as space. I can get you back to your Stargate Command at the exact moment you left."

SG-1 glanced dubiously at each other.  
"Better make it a few hours later," Daniel suggested hesitantly. When the Doctor looked at him, he added, "Just to make it seem like we actually did something."

The Doctor shrugged, "Fair enough! Hold on, everyone—Allons'y!"

The TARDIS gave a mighty lurch, and the Stargate team fell into seats or grabbed railings as the mechanism spun and twirled it's way back to Earth.

At last, the movement settled, and everyone disembarked.  
Sgt. Harriman's voice echoed over their heads.  
"—_curity Breach! Unauthorized—oh, wait... Never mind_!"

Amy and Rory looked around at the Gate Room.

Rory turned to his wife. "Look, love: it's the Stargate!"  
Amy admired the size of the machine. Daniel sidled up alongside her. "This is the device we use to travel to other planets. Let me show you around."

The Doctor noticed Sam watching him with some apprehension.  
She mused slowly, "So... Jack and the Beanstalk..." she looked over at the Colonel, who was engaged with Daniel in giving the Ponds a "tour" of the Gate Room.

The Doctor grinned, "Jack the _Giant-Slayer_?" he queried.

Sam shook her head in disbelief. "Did we just disprove a legend or destroy someone's reality?"

Doctor shrugged one shoulder. "A little of both, I suppose. The legend is still a legend; the truth—for those who were in it—will seem like a bad dream."

Daniel broke away from his conversation in time to catch the last comment. "And the Arnakim?" he asked, joining them on the Stargate ramp.

Doctor chuckled, "Jack asked a friend to bury the Stargate. I doubt anyone from Earth will be bothering them in the near future."

Amy glanced up at the window and saw some official looking persons staring at them. She caught the look in Sam's eye and guessed who they were.  
"I suppose we ought to say goodbye," she hinted to the others. She reached to hug Sam. "Thank you for rescuing us; I don't think we would have made it on our own."

Sam patted her on the back. "I promise to look you up if I'm ever in London."

"I'd like that," Amy replied.

Jack shook hands with The Doctor, who immediately offered him the sonic screwdriver. Jack hesitated.

"You know how to use it, don't you?" The Doctor asked.

Jack nodded with a shrug. "Yeah...kinda; are you sure you want to give it to me?"

Doctor nodded, "Absolutely; I have a whole closet full on the TARDIS. Keep it."

The Doctor and the Ponds prepared to depart in the blue call box.

"Hey," Jack spoke up, still examining his new device. He looked up at The Doctor. "D'you mind if I gave this thing a new name? Seeing as it really isn't a screwdriver at all; I was thinking something more like—sonic probe, maybe?"

A slow smile crept over the Doctor's face. "What do you think?"

Jack shrugged, and the Doctor withdrew into the TARDIS. The team watched the vessel slowly fade from sight.  
Daniel sighed when it was gone. "This job never ceases to amaze me," he remarked.

General Hammond strode into the Gate Room.  
"Was the mission a success, Colonel?" he asked.

Jack saluted. "Mission accomplished, sir."

"Good," Hammond nodded, "Meet me to debrief in one hour." He turned heel and left the room.  
Jack shot Daniel a look.

"The wonders never cease—but some things never change!" he quipped as he trudged down the hall to their quarters.

Daniel shook his head. "Everyone's a cynic," he muttered as he followed.


End file.
